Porn

Dear reader,

It has now been three weeks since our last entry. I would like to say that the delay is rather more a result of the subject matter of this entry than any disinterest on the part of Sara or myself. This was a tough nut to crack, and I don't know that we cracked it after all, but we did approach it honestly, and we filtered nothing.

NOTE: The video linked below is NSFW, or kids, probably, for that matter.

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Rob writes:

Let's kick things off by clarifying our thoughts on the Die Antwoord video. Is it, or is it not, pornographic? For my part, I'd rather call it juvenile than pornographic, but then I don't like the word "pornography" to begin with. It's too subjective, as illustrated by Justice Stewart's famous "I know it when I see it" line. I'd be well out of my depth in any formal discussion of the law, but it seems to me we've done a decent job of defining murder, rape, arson, and so on. When it comes to obscenity, though? Not so much.

So what is obscene? What's pornography? Surely it can't be defined in terms of physical arousal or revulsion. If that were the case, anything and everything would be on the table to be classified as porn. By the way, if you'll indulge a quick tangent, I'd like to point out an irritating double standard where this sort of thing is concerned. To wit: I flipped past SCHOOL TIES the other day---that beloved, early 90s piece of shit---and was reminded that not only is there a naked shower fight between college guys in the film, but the motherfucker's rated PG-13! And I'm sitting there thinking, Jesus Christ, imagine the public and critical response to a PG-13 film that featured a nude Brooklyn Decker tussling with an equally unclothed Megan Fox in a dormitory shower. (Hang on. Let me just picture that for three and a half minutes, maybe four.) The point is, I'm sure there are plenty of gay dudes, and maybe even a few chicks, for whom SCHOOL TIES is perfectly serviceable beat-off material, and yet I've never once heard anyone crack wise about the gratuitousness of that shower scene. Which I'm sure would happen with my hypothetical Decker / Fox picture. Which I am now going to write.

Anyway, back to the question of what people and politicians consider to be obscene. My response to that is fairly simple: Who. Fucking. Cares. Because it's the wrong question. So what are the right questions?

Question #1: Hey, grown-ass men and women, why don't you quit being such pussies, and instead of endlessly bitching about the "offense" you took to a film or painting or political cartoon, how bout you just change the channel or stay the fuck away?

Question #2: To parents: You mind doing the rest of us a favor and stop expecting everyone else to "protect" your kids from the big, bad world?

Parents, raise your own fucking kids. Take responsibility for your progeny. Talk to them honestly, instill them with values, and try not to smack 'em around too much, and you know what? They'll probably turn out fine, pornography or no. And by "fine," I of course mean "average," which ain't great, but I'm sure it'll be enough to allow them to meet someone they like, crap out two or three kids of their own, get divorced, and then live vicariously through their grandchildren before they die. And the planet will magically continue to spin.

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Sara writes: 

Man, I LOVE your view of family and humanity. It warms my cockles. 

So. Die Antwoord. I...I really don't know how much I can say about that. I find it super-disturbing, but I suspect it's more because of the juxtaposition of so many ridiculous penises with the freaky monster-rat imagery. I'd have to agree that it's more juvenile than pornographic, but I'm sure as hell not showing it to my kids. Ever. Even when they're 40. I don't think I'd ask anybody to watch that.

I know I'm basically Prudence McIronpants. There's a little, razor-thin slice of the porn market with which I'm comfortable: Mutually respectful lovey porn and mutually respectful accidental porn (think pizza boy, repairman, etc. "Hey, looks like you're here." "Yeah, looks like you're here too." "Hey, check it, I'm naked!" "Guess we should have sex."). I'm aware that the rest of the pie (and now everything I write, I'm going to be seeing with a 13-year-old boy's eye for innuendo, so, sorry about that) is chockfull of images and situations I'd rather not see. Combinations of fluids and holes and subjugations that have nothing to do with my concepts of love, sex or pleasure.

I don't really mind that it exists. Well, evidently I do, but I know I'm not at liberty to curtail other people's behavior or viewing habits. 

Where I see an actual problem is in that window where what I'd consider obscene porn (and I'm as subjective as Justice Stewart here) might shape someone's view of how the sexes should interact. I don't know how valid that is, or how often it happens. But it seems likely to me that seeing something...disrespectful, for lack of a less judgmental term---seeing something disrespectful, multiple times, without a proper filter...that could make an impression.

Here's the thing: I'm not convinced that young people have their self-and-everyone-else-respect bases totally set up. I worry that seeing something that denigrates women, for example...Without some sort of filter noting that it's fucked up, will they know, KNOW KNOW KNOW that it's fucked up? Or on some level would it be intriguing? And would they have been intrigued without having seen it? On their own, created the thought?

I don't have an answer. It's something I'll have to work on, because give me 10 years and I'll have some curious kids on my hands. I'm doing my best to teach them to think critically, discern and consider, but I don't really know how it's going to work.

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Rob writes:

Dear Prudence,

Glad you came out to play.

I realize I sometimes come across as a misanthrope, but that really isn't the case. I've got a lovey-dovey streak in me a mile wide. It's just difficult for me to square what I've seen around the world with the golly-gee-aren't-we-all-precious-snowflakes mentality I encounter so frequently from Portland to Los Angeles (my two favorite cities, by the way). That said, your kids will no doubt land on their feet, thanks to you and E., and be far better than average. The girl's a shoo-in, from what I can tell. That must make you happy. Anyway, moving on.

You wrote:

"Seeing something disrespectful, multiple times, without a proper filter...that could make an impression." 

Again, for me, the answer's pretty simple (and I'm speaking generally, not specifically to you, Pavs): Parents, raise your kids. If you teach your kids that respecting others is a virtue, and you outline what that entails, then they'll recognize disrespect when they see it (and probably recoil). Course, if you come down too hard on them, smother them, use guilt and shame---religious or otherwise---as tools to get them to do what you want them to do, then your efforts will be at odds with your purpose. You worry about young people seeing something that's fucked-up "without some sort of filter noting that it's fucked up." To that I say: The filter is you. Parents are the filter.

I suspect a lot of parents don't like this responsibility. I suspect it makes them uncomfortable. Which is why so many of them would rather just make all this horrible porn stuff go away. I mean, that would be so much easier than having difficult conversations, right? Uh huh, but guess what? You had the kids. You knew what the world was---at least you should have---before you had them. This is just one of the challenges you accepted when you took the rubber off and let those fluids fly. This one's on you. Sorry.

As for so-called "deviant" sex. Does anyone imagine that this shit didn't exist hundreds, even thousands of years ago? The fact that it's more easily accessible today---that is, more easily viewed---doesn't mean it's more pervasive. And, if it seems more pervasive, I'd argue that the reason is that the people who used to have to be closeted about it now have readily available outlets for that same sexual energy. And as long as they're engaging in mutually consensual behavior between adults, I say more power to them. Hell, maybe their lives are completely miserable otherwise, poor bastards, and this is the only pleasure they get. Well, better they get it online or in a dungeon than roam the streets feeling all constipated and rapey (or shit-in-someone's-mouthy). 

By the way, while I'm on rape: Every girl I've ever been with who wanted to engage in a rape fantasy (which I would categorize as something quite a bit more than merely "disrespectful")---that is, a "fuck me forcibly while I struggle to escape" scenario---every one of them was an intelligent, articulate, productive member of society, one was a bona fide feminist, and all had what I'd consider to be good-to-solid childhoods. Some abandonment issues here and there, but nothing insurmountable. My point here isn't to flaunt my sex life, but to say that everyone's got their kink. Whether or not they're with someone they trust enough to explore it is another story, but it's there for everyone. And so what.

In the last analysis, doomsday predictions about porn ruining our youth and culture generally strike me as fairly ignorant and alarmist.

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Sara writes: 

OK. Here goes. 

I can get behind most of what you're saying. People should be able to do what they consent to. People should be able to get their energies out in a safe manner, as long as nobody's getting hurt (without volunteering for the position). 

Here's where I take exception:

You write, "I suspect a lot of parents don't like this responsibility. I suspect it makes them uncomfortable. Which is why so many of them would rather just make all this horrible porn stuff go away. I mean, that would be so much easier than having difficult conversations, right?"

The difficult conversations are thrilling. That's where the real growth happens. That's the real stuff: the meat of life. What makes me uncomfortable is simply the fact that as much as a parent might do to ensure she's raising a happy, adaptable person, there's no guarantee at all. Parents absolutely are the filters, as you say, but I'm not convinced the filter is bulletproof. It's that uncertainty that makes me peek into the dark corners and wonder if my efforts will be ambushed at some later date, when I have even less control over the child's outcome than I have now.

I'm a code monkey, you know? I write a certain bit of nonsense into a program and I get a result. Wherever I put that bit of nonsense, as long as I account for other potential parameters, I'll get the result I'm looking for. To shift from that control and predictability into the world of growing a whole person, with countless and unimaginable future parameters, hoping hoping hoping that what I'm trying to instill will be able to withstand whatever trauma life throws into the path of the child...That, my dear, is phenomenally frightening.

Which is why, I'm sure, I haven't enjoyed thinking about this or writing about this, and why this post has ended up taking a month. I'd much rather close my laptop, walk across the hall and squeeze the shit out of my little guys, while I can. While I have more control over their "user experience" than I ever will again.

So, see  ya. I have three warm little bears that need squeezing.

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Rob writes: 

I would be wildly interested to study the differences between folks who were raised by hands-off vs. helicopter parents. Based strictly on my own experience, and firsthand accounts of those I know and have listened to, I'm inclined to say that kids with helicopter parents (endlessly hovering, micro-managing) fare worse than those mostly left to their own devices. I have no hard data to support that statement, only anecdotal evidence, but I feel fairly convinced that Nature deals each of us a hand, and the best a parent can do is not fuck a kid up. Yes there's love, and yes there's cuddling, and yes there's a sense of family, of unity. But Nurture isn't necessarily as nurturing as it sounds. Something to consider in the context of this discussion.

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Sara writes: 

Let's also consider it in the context of our next discussion. Can of worms you cracked there, my friend. To be continued....